HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE GREENES

2011 has been a year of contrasting experiences: great loss, incredible joy, new transitions and consistent relationships.

Just a week after I wrote our New Year’s letter last year, my (Keba’s) sister-in-law, Jenna, passed away.  At 26, Jenna’s sudden death as a result of bulimia has been the hardest loss my family has faced in many years.  My brother Ben has challenged us all to grieve and celebrate her life well, and as a result I believe our family has grown closer.  I still think of her often and know that the healing process will be long for all of us, but especially for Ben.  Jenna’s death came shortly after we lost both Aaron’s great-grandmother and grandmother at the end of 2011.  We have found that nothing makes us think more about the goodness of life than when we are confronted with the death of someone we love.

For me personally, it was challenging to grieve the losses in our families while also joyfully awaiting the birth of our child.  I gave birth to Harper Miriam on March 25^th, with the best birth experience I could have imagined. She has been feisty from the start, and Aaron and I can’t imagine our family without her.  We get a lot less sleep than we used to, but we don’t miss much about our old life (ok, maybe the ease of traveling), and we’ve done a good job of balancing time as a family with time as a couple.  It is both heartbreaking and exhilarating to watch her grow up – she is so much fun to watch, but we ache with the knowledge that these days will pass us by so quickly.

I won’t go into any long narratives on all of the things that Harper does to entertain us (we’ll save that for in-person conversations), but she is the center of most of our love, affection and energy these days.  I took five months of maternity leave after she was born (lots of walks and coffee dates), and Aaron took a month of paternity leave when I went back to work.  We are very grateful that we were able to find a family just down the street who wanted to share a nanny.  Harper has good fun with their son (11 months), and our nanny is fantastic with both kids.

In terms of work, both of us did some moving around this year.  Aaron’s team at Microsoft was “re-organized” twice this year, which was especially hard because he was moved away from his previous larger team, which he loved.  While he still has lunch with his old teammates and boss frequently, the constant movement of teams has left him feeling drained and a bit unsettled.  One bright spot is that he had the opportunity to work on some interesting features for Xbox Live, including the code that helps find “related items” for Xbox TV shows and movies. Don’t email him if the related items don’t make sense.  That is someone else’s fault.

After coming back from maternity leave, I took on (or was thrown into) a challenging project called the Shared Learning Infrastructure (if you’re bored, bing? google it and tell me your thoughts).  I learned a lot through the launch of the SLI and got to take on more responsibility, but my transition back to work was more stressful than I anticipated. Thankfully the launch went well and my work returned to a much slower pace.  Just recently, I accepted a new position at the foundation, working on the Pacific Northwest Team.  While I may miss the glamour of working on national reform and the hype around blended learning, I am so grateful to be moving to work that is closer to the ground, and more in line with my social worker beliefs.  I’ll be working with grantees in Washington State on early learning and K-12 reform, and I’ll get to see the fruits of my labor in my own backyard.  I officially start my new job on January 3^rd!

With all of the changes we’ve experienced over the past year, we are even more grateful for the stability and goodness of our family, friends, and community.  Our “building family” and our good friends here are a constant source of support for us, and it has been especially fun as all of our families have grown.  Harper has more playmates than she can handle, and we are incredibly blessed with loads of hand-me-downs and babysitters.  We’ve settled in to a great church near our house, and we were amazed with the outpouring of gifts and food from members of our congregation at Harper’s birth.  They love us well, even though we only make it every other week.

While the time of year always leads to long to-do lists and new resolutions to do more, I am resolving to try to DO less and BE more.  For me this means less stuff, more depth in friendships (read: less time on facebook), fewer errands, and more play time with Harper and Aaron.

We pray that you would also have the opportunity to reflect on this past year, and to spend more time in 2012 with the people that you love.

Love, Keba, Aaron & Harper

Talking to friends, family and others about being a working mom is such a …challenge.  The topic is loaded, to say the least.  I find myself feeling incredibly defensive in conversations, and then wonder:  “Does Aaron ever feel he has to explain why he wants goes to work?  Do people consider him selfish for liking his job?”  And then I get angry.

But probably the most challenging issue is that I can’t discuss my choice without feeling like I am putting a stake in the ground.  The challenge is this: How can I explain my reasons for being a working mom without suggesting (in some way or another) that the choice to stay home with children is the less-prefered choice?  The truth is that the past four months have given me an incredible amount of respect for parents (men and women) who stay home with their kids.  It is HARD.  And not in the ways I thought it would be.  While I enjoyed the freedom and ability to go wherever I wanted, I found myself completely depleted of energy, slightly depressed, and hungry for adult interaction.  I loved our walks together, morning rituals and coffee dates with friends.  I loved watching her grow, taking care of her needs and just holding her in my arms.  It was a sweet time that I am incredibly thankful for.

I am tempted at this point in my post to write all of the reasons why I am choosing to work and be a mom.  I want to tell you how this choice is personal, but that it is based on what I believe is best for Harper, for Aaron and for me.  I won’t lie and say, “Oh, I’d really love to stay home but we just can’t afford it.”  The truth is that I really want to work and believe it is a good choice for my family.  And I want to go into long justifications for each of these reasons.  The problem is, all of that would be fueled out of an insecurity that I am making the wrong choice.  The same insecurity I would have if I were choosing to stay at home.  This is the same insecurity I believe almost every mother has about how they raise their child(ren).

I remember a couple of years ago Mel was reading a book called, “Mommy Wars.”  I never read it, but the premise was that women explained their choice to either work or stay home (is that right Mel?).  I remember talking about the subject with Mel in some length, and concluding that women just needed to learn to give each other grace and not be so hard on each other.  Now that I’m a mom, I get it.  There’s so much pressure to be a perfect parent in this culture.  And the best way to feel good about your choice is to put down others who have made a different choice.  If you work, you are selfish and will have out-of-control kids.  If you stay at home, you are boring and will have overly dependent children.  But I refuse.  I want to respect moms and dads with the understanding and belief that we are all doing the best we can.  We all love our kids.  We all worry that we make bad choices.  But in the end, we all fail, and we all succeed.  I am letting go of the myth that I am singularly responsible for Harper’s success or happiness.

My goal through this next season in life, is to be easy on myself as a mom, and to love other parents well.  I want to hold my tongue when I have the urge to make a defensive comment about the way someone else parents.  I want to have more grace than judgement.  And I want to own the belief that there is no one right way to parent a child.  Please hold me to this, ok?  And try not to judge me

Harper is napping right now and I count every minute as a pure and wonderful gift.  Not that I don’t love time with her when she is awake….it’s just that time to myself is such a rare and wonderful thing these days.  Soon enough I will be back at work and missing her; even if I’m missing her when she’s asleep.

I must admit I’m getting a bit anxious about the transitions coming up.  Next week we leave for the East Coast for two weeks (including lots of long driving trips), and shortly after we get back I start work again.  I’ve got all kinds of mixed emotions about leaving her (even though Aaron will be caring for her for the first month) and I’m nervous that my brain won’t function the same once I’m at work.  It’s amazing how sleep deprivation can really make you feel braindead at times.  I used to think people just made that up.

It has helped me to remember that while Harper needs consistency and routine, she had adapted well to all of the transitions thus far.  And while maternity leave has given me a chance to spend time with her, it certainly has been no vacation.  At our PEPS group a couple of weeks ago, I shared that I was feeling like I hadn’t “done” anything with my maternity leave and that it had been a disappointment in terms of the goals I originally had.  One of the women, Lisa, encouraged me to write down everything I’d done with my time, simply as of reflecting on the past four months.  So, I will:

1. Fed Harper, on average every two to three hours, every day
2. Changed over 500 diapers (I’m guessing, but it may be more)
3. Pumped and froze 60 ounces of milk
4. Washed over 100 loads of laundry (cloth diapers need to be washed every two days, not to mention all of the clothes with spit up on them)
5. Folded or put away said laundry (admittedly, Aaron usually does this)
6. Fostered our 14-year-old neighbor for three months, while also negotiating with her social worker and family
7. Entertained seven sets of visitors (which we always love!)
8. Had major surgery to remove my left ovary and the annoying cyst that regrew on it
9. Recovered from said surgery while taking care of a baby
10. Went to 15 doctor’s appointments (for baby, cyst, teeth, etc.) Brought Harper to three of these because I couldn’t find anyone to watch her!
11. Attended three board meetings for First Place, two fundraising breakfasts, and two HOA meetings
12. Went to 46 (!!! yes, I looked on my calendar) coffee dates
13. Took at least three walks a week with friends or neighbors
14. Went to the Farmer’s Market five times
15. Went to Yoga 8 times

I could probably keep going.  I think for me this exercise is helpful, mostly because I have such a weird fear of my life being empty or uneventful.  Maybe a real accomplishment would be if I had written, “took care of my baby. took care of myself.”

*Sigh* Don’t worry.  It’s a mostly happy sigh, but with a reminder that I still need to work on slowing down and taking life in.  Harper is waking up.  Back to my little girl.

I am looking forward to showing her off to our extended family!

Oh, and don’t forget to look at the pictures from Harper’s first trip to see Mt. Rainier.  Despite the bad ending, it was a wonderful day.  And Aaron will want to make sure you see Harper’s first baseball game from when his parents came to visit too.  Go to our picasa albums here: https://picasaweb.google.com/Makeba.Greene

…..

And, she’s back to sleep! So now that I’ve just read this post and the one before it, I’ve realized that I essentially wrote the same thing twice.  I’m serious about sleep deprivation killing my memory.  It’s scary.

Maybe adding a picture will make it seem like I had something new to share?

For some reason I also feel like it is a good time to mark a change in my life in terms of seasons.  The first three months of Harper’s life feel like the Introduction chapter of a book, and now I am just starting to get into the fun of the story.  I could go on and on with this analogy (I just did in my head and it went kind of wonky), but my point is that this is a good time to stop, reflect, and prepare for the next season.

So, the last three months! They’ve gone by so fast and have been so wonderful.  Life is different, but we can’t really remember what it was like before.  I often wonder how I spent my time before Harper came along (and then I remember that normal people get 8 hours of sleep a day).  I spend my days and my nights getting to know Harper and taking care of her every need.  We feed her, change her, pray for her, talk to her, and show her our world.  We’ve watched as she’s grown to understand the world around her better, and we love when she discovers new things (first it was her hands, then the sunlight, mirrors, toys, and now smiles).  We just really, really enjoy her.

And while we’ve had some challenges (sleep deprivation is a form of torture after all), we think we’ve had it pretty easy.  She fusses and cries sometimes, but she is a good sleeper and a good eater.  And even on the days when I feel as though I’ve bathed in spit up, Aaron comes home, takes over, and I escape to the neighbor’s or the bathtub until he has her sleeping soundly.  Then we spend a few (semi-romantic) hours talking on the couch, watching Scrubs, or looking at pictures of Harper.  It is weird how watching Aaron with Harper makes me love both of them so much more.  We still fight about house work and planning, but I’m thankful that I can say our marriage and friendship are stronger than before Harper joined our family.

Overall, maternity leave has been a positive experience for me.  Sometimes I feel bored and unstimulated, but I get out of the house most days and spend a lot of time with neighbors and friends.  We’ve also had some great visitors (Jess and Ethan, Jessica, and Aaron’s parents) and we go on lots of walks with friends.  I laugh now when I think about how I originally made a list of all the things I could do with my “free time” while I was on maternity leave.  YEAH right.  My best effort is to try to stream NPR podcasts while I nurse Harper in the mornings or afternoons.  In the middle of the day we try to get out as much as possible.  Harper has been all over the city.  She’s frequented about a dozen coffee shops, several parks, the Microsoft and Gates Foundation campuses, the Ballard Locks, Safeco Field, Pike Place Market, and more.  And now that the weather is really starting to get nice, I am hoping to spend even more time outside.

The last three months have also included some non-Harper-related challenges: our 14-year-old neighbor has been living with us for about a month and a half after being placed into the foster care system, and one of my ugly cysts reappeared in full force.  Thankfully, R has been a great houseguest and is really a lot of fun.  We love her and want the best for her, but it is hard with a new baby and so little space.  We just hope that the best scenario for her and for us can unfold soon.  And my doctor said that my ugly cyst will just keep growing back, so on Monday I had surgery to remove it, along with my whole left ovary.  I am recovering at a slower pace than I expected, but I know I’ll be back to normal soon enough.  We are hopeful and prayerful that my right ovary will be able to do the work of two someday.  I think Harper would be a great big sister.

While our pace has slowed down a little, we still take a ton of photos of our little girl.  You can see them here: https://picasaweb.google.com/Makeba.Greene

Harper Miriam Greene was born early in the morning (1:53am) on March 25th, weighing in at 8 pounds 12 ounces, and measuring 21 inches long.  I knew that I loved her even when I was pregnant, but there is no way I can describe how much love I felt for her in the moments after her birth.  My labor really was an amazing experience, and while I wouldn’t say it was “enjoyable,” I don’t have any negative associations with any part of the process and I consider her birth to be an incredible accomplishment.  I am full of thanksgiving for so many things about her birth — that she is healthy; that we were able to deliver without medical intervention; that I was in the comfort of my home; that Aaron was so involved and supportive; that we chose such a wonderful midwife; that my mom made it in time for the birth; that my wonderful neighbors kept us company…the list goes on.  I will never forget the first moments that we held her and she gave a single cry before opening her eyes wide and looking right at us.  She is such a bright-eyed, alert baby.  Although I know it is risky to assess her at such an early age, we are incredibly thankful for her gentle spirit and mild temperament.  As corny as it sounds, we love to just sit and watch her. 

In the days after her birth, Aaron and I both wrote down her birth story from our own perspectives.  Mine was three pages, and Aaron’s version was seven pages!  Instead of writing all of that here, I decided to just post a timeline version here (using Aaron’s amazing timekeeping and memory).  I know this is still a long and detailed account, but someday I hope Harper can read this and know how excited we are that she is here.

March 23^rd:

-  7:30pm: Acupuncturist comes to our house for a natural induction appointment. 

-  9:00pm: I walk the stairs in our building with my neighbor Shanon in hopes of getting things moving.

-  10:00pm:  Aaron and I go to bed.

March 24^th:

-  1:30am:  I wake up, rush to the bathroom, and realize my water has broken.

-  1:33am: Aaron pages Geraldine, our midwife.

-  1:35am: Geraldine calls back, asks us a series of questions (which we answer) and tells us to try to go back to bed and get some sleep if we can. 

-  1:38am: I call my mom and let her know my water broke.  She tells me she’ll be out the door soon and will try to catch an 8am flight out here.  We try (unsuccessfully) to go back to sleep.

- ~3:00am:  I start feeling mild contractions, but they aren’t very regular or very painful.

-   8:52am: After I page them, the Labor tub arrives and the ladies set it up in the kitchen while giving Aaron instructions.  At this point my contractions are still irregular, but averaging every 8 or 9 minutes. 

-  9:50am:  Geraldine calls to check in.  We give her an update, she asks a few more questions, and tells us to keep her posted if anything picks up significantly.

-  10:30am:  Aaron heads to the grocery store with a long list of my requested labor food/drinks.

-  12:03pm: My mom arrives at our place (after taking the light rail and the bus – go mom— from the airport).  I take a shower while she makes us lunch.  My contractions are picking up a little bit, but are still irregular.

-  ~1:00pm:  After my mom takes a quick nap (she stayed down the hall at our neighbor’s place while he was on vacation) we head outside for a short walk.  It’s a beautiful day and my contractions had slowed to about 15 minutes apart, so we thought some exercise would be good. 

- ~2:00pm: My wonderful neighbors start to stop by, as word that I am in labor spreads.  We all hang out in the living room and talk, and when I have a contraction I slow down and breathe through it.   My contractions are still about 8 or 9 minutes apart, and aren’t that painful.

-  3:00pm: Geraldine calls to check in.  She gives me some encouragement and reminds me that we’ll have a baby soon!

-  4:45pm:  Mel stops by on her way back from work, and we officially had a full house (Jennifer, Kristian, Alissa, Andrew, and Jubilee were keeping me company).  At some point the guys decide to leave, and after a few sets of stairs with my mom, my contractions become closer together and more intense.

-  5:30pm: Shanon comes by after a long day at work.  As my unofficial doula, she immediately starts massaging my back and pulling up on my hips during contractions.  At this point I was sitting on the couch, but as a contraction came I moved to the living room floor and got on my hands and knees to breathe through the contractions. 

-  6:00pm: Geraldine checks in again and reminds me I can do this!

-  8:00pm:  Contractions have picked up, but are still irregular.  At the advice of my mom and Shanon, Aaron takes a nap so he won’t be wiped out for the birth.

-  ~9:30pm: Aaron wakes up and by this point everyone has left except for Shanon and my mom.  My contractions are between 5 and 7 minutes apart and are getting significantly more painful.  Aaron and I  sway (standing) back and forth during contractions and he reminds me to breathe.  Shanon and my mom continue to be a huge help with pain relief and encouragement as well.  Everyone reminds me to take one contraction at a time, which I do, and I start to get in a real rhythm and  ”zone” with my labor.

-   10:37pm: Aaron pages Geraldine to let her know that my contractions are stronger, hovering around 5 or 6 minutes apart, but still not regular.  Geraldine says she’ll likely come in a half hour to an hour, but to call her if anything changes.

-   11:03pm:  Aaron calls Geraldine – my contractions picked up almost immediately after their last conversation and are now 2 to 3 minutes apart.   Shanon heads home (across the hall) to get some sleep before another big day at work.  At this point I’ve developed a very clear rhythm with each contraction, walking from the couch to the bathroom and back, swaying with Aaron during the pain, and yelling out “start” and “stop” with each contraction so they can continue to time them.

-   11:20pm: Geraldine arrives (I was SO happy to see her) and checks me.  To everyone’s surprise I am almost 9 cm dilated! At her suggestion I get in the tub and am shocked by what relief it offers.  My contractions continue to be more intense and close together, and Aaron kneels by the side of the tub to help me breathe through each one. 

March 25^th:

-  ~12:15am:  My contractions take a break (this is common after the transition period) and I fall asleep for about 15 minutes in the tub (Aaron and my mom filled me in on this, since I have very little recollection of my labor from this point until the birth).  Tracy, Geraldine’s assistant arrives.

-  ~12:45am: I wake up, have a few more contractions, and let Geraldine know that I have an urge to push (!).  She tells me to push whenever I have a contraction and continues to check the baby’s heartbeat by placing the doppler on my abdomen. 

-  ~1:20am: I’m continuing to push every 4 to 5 minutes, and Geraldine suggests getting out of the tub and sitting on a birthing stool to see if it helps things progress.  I get out of the tub and sit on the stool  with Aaron sitting in a chair behind me.  I’m able to lean back on his chest and prop myself up on his legs when I push, which is a huge help.  After five or six more pushes, Geraldine helps me reach down and feel the baby’s head, and her assistant uses a mirror to show Aaron and me how close we are to the end.  I start crying and pushing with a whole new level of intensity.

- 1:53am:  After two or three more (intense) pushes, Harper arrives!  Geraldine placed her immediately on my stomach and Aaron and I both wrapped our arms around her and cried for a few minutes until we remembered to ask what sex the baby was.  Geraldine gently lifted her off my chest and Aaron announced, “it’s a girl!!”  My mom, who had been standing next to me throughout labor, screamed “Yes!” at the top of her lungs.  After waiting for the cord to stop pulsing, Aaron reached around my shoulders and cut her cord. 

The rest of the day we mostly stayed in bed, taking turns napping and watching Harper sleep. We were also very excited to learn that Aaron sister (Becca) had a baby girl just 12 hours after Harper was born.  She and Mia will share a birthday and hopefully lots of good memories in the years to come.

Lord, we praise you for new life, and we pray that Harper (and Mia) will grow into strong women with a heart to serve you and others.  We are so filled with thanksgiving for our daughter!

The song is also apropos given the beautiful weather that we had today.  We slept in, went to breakfast at Geraldine’s, and then walked about three miles around Seward Park.  Our midwife (also named Geraldine) says that the best thing I can do to get labor started is to walk a ton, so we took her advice.  I’m trying to rest and get sleep too, but I’m fully prepared to walk the stairs or do whatever else I have to do to move things along.  Geraldine’s guess is that the baby will come next Saturday, so this may feel like the longest week of my life

39 weeks and a few days!

The last month or so has been very busy, but we finally feel like things are slowing down.  Aaron finished up his grad school class and had his final exam last weekend.  He did well in the class (it was especially challenging) and is looking forward to taking the next quarter off.  At work I’ve been busy doing my normal job, along with training the man who is covering for me while I’m out, and working with my new boss (as of three weeks ago) to help him understand what his job is.  I think I will really enjoy my new manager a lot, but the poor guy will have a tough adjustment period – I’m his only direct report and I’m leaving, and my previous boss who switched into another role went on maternity leave the first week he was there.  Thankfully I’ve had a few weeks to help him understand what his job is, but the rest will be trial and error.

We’ve felt especially loved and blessed this month by the kindness of our friends, neighbors, family and co-workers.  My co-workers threw me a shower two weeks ago and gifted us with some very useful and fun baby gifts!  The three women I work most closely with hosted the party, and they went to great lengths with all of the details (decorations, food, and just a relaxed fun time).  They are a lot of fun and are very excited about baby Greene, which always makes me feel very appreciated.

Last weekend we also had a baby celebration with our friends, thrown by Mel and Alison, and held at Shemiele’s house (the expert party host).  Mel (as usual) did an insane amount of work planning the invitation,  decorations, favors, and alphabet book.  And, in addition to a beautiful Nikki McClure book and some adorable clothes, she knit the baby its very own hippo (Aaron has named him Seymour).  He is our favorite stuffed animal by far, and is incredibly sharp-looking in his orange and red striped sweater

Seymour

Alison cooked almost all of the food for the party (two kinds of Quiche, peach salad, coffee cake and more), all while taking care of 7 month old blue-eyed Bella.  Alison also worked with Mel to pull off a fantastic alphabet book project (they pre-decorated 26 pieces of paper with each letter of the alphabet, and our guests drew pictures of items that started with that letter.  Mel put together all of the sheets into a single book and had everyone sign their names, so that we have a complete alphabet book to read to the baby!). 

When we left Shemiele’s last Saturday, both Aaron and I reflected on how thankful we were for such amazing friends and for the incredible amount of love and support they have shown us.  I was especially thankful for such a relaxed and fun celebration – no big groups watching me open gifts and time for real conversation and fun where our friends could interact with each other.  It was the best baby party I’ve ever been to, but then again, I’m a bit biased.

Now, we are just waiting for our child to arrive.  I am overwhelmed sometimes with the responsibility that we will hold as parents, and the reality that I’m carrying life into this world.  We are filled with anticipation and thanksgiving to God.

I miss Jenna a lot, and think of her a lot.  Today Ben, my mom and her family cleaned out their apartment.  I hope it went well. 

I’m tired a lot.  I don’t want to be one of those complaining pregnant women, so I’ll just pick one gripe: my feet hurt (they are really swollen).  Still, no biggie.  And it’s just temporary.  I am more than thankful for the cause of my swollen feet, and remember very clearly how much I hoped and prayed for this baby (and all the symptoms that go along with him/her).

I really can’t wait for Aaron to finish grad school.  He’s been working so hard all quarter and this class is tough.  He barely gets any down time and has been working nearly every weekend and free weekday night.  I’m proud of him, and though I’m jealous for his time I am doing my best to be patient.  Thankfully he’ll be off next quarter and won’t go back until next fall (late September).

I’m incredibly thankful for my friends and neighbors.  Whether it’s kind words or generous baby hand-me-downs, I feel very encouraged, loved and provided for.  Same goes for my family – my mom has been especially warm and supportive this past month.

I feel anxious about all of the things I should be doing over the next 5 weeks – except that I’m not sure exactly what those things are.  I have a few more crucial to-dos, but the rest of my imaginary list falls into the, “I’ll regret not doing this”, or, “I’ll really miss doing this in a few months.”  I think I need help with this part of my list.  Any suggestions?

I love blueberries.  I think I’ve eaten three full bags of frozen blueberries in the last three days (seriously).  I also love sunshine.  I can’t wait for summer!

We have food in the fridge from late December that is growing mold.  I really need to clean it out.  Ugh.

I’m realizing that I could just keep going and going with this (my mind is racing!), but I should probably log off and do something more productive.

Cheers!

*sigh*

George (Jenna’s dad) wrote this note shortly after she died of cardiac arrest.  I think it is the best summary I can give:

On Saturday, January 8, 2011, we lost our beautiful daughter, wife, sister, and friend Jenna Miller. She died peacefully in the loving arms of her husband Ben. She was blessed to have Ben in her life for seven wonderful years. Jenna battled an eating disorder for most of her adult life. She never gave up. We thank everyone who stuck with her through the highs and lows. 
There will be countless future moments when we pause to remember our beautiful Jenna. We miss her so much. Thanks to everyone for their love.

I also miss her so much, and know that my pain can’t even begin to match what my brother is feeling.  Jenna was so full of life, fun, and spunk – it’s so hard to believe that she’s really gone.  At the family service in Maryland her sister commented that Jenna always “sparkled.”  I thought it was a perfect way to describe how all of us experienced her.  We traded stories about her outlandish taste in music, art and random gift packages covered in cat stickers.  We all wore something with Jenna “flair” to the service (bright pink hats, scarves, fuzzy boots…).  I’m so thankful that Aaron and I were both there to celebrate her short, but amazing 26 years on this earth.  It was a beautiful ceremony and a sweet time for family and close friends to come together.  I’m also very thankful for my family (both immediate and extended) who traveled long distances to be there.

Death is always hard.  I know that from enough experience.  But I think this loss has been harder to grieve, both because I know she was fighting so much, and because I know she never intended to hurt herself or others.  Bulimia is such a horrible and consuming disease, but I do believe that Jenna was fighting and working toward recovery.  And I know that Ben was fighting for her too.  I’m thankful that she is at peace, but I hurt for my brother (and for Jenna’s family), especially as they grieve the years of life Jenna never got to live.

Throughout this time I’ve been keenly aware of the fact that I’m grieving death while a new life is growing inside of me.  It makes me all the more grateful for life in general, and cognizant of how little control we have over each day.  Ben has been so amazing as he’s faced this, and has actively reminded all of us to dive into our grief (not away from it) and to honor Jenna’s life by remembering and celebrating all that we loved about her.  I know without a doubt that God used Jenna to touch my family in amazing ways.  She taught Ben so much about compassion and modeled a spirit of inclusivity and nonjudgement in everything she did.  Jenna taught me a great deal about strength, humility and forgiveness.  She constantly encouraged me and always joined in my joy in life – no matter how small.  The last thing that she ever said to me (in an email) was, “I can’t wait to meet the greene bean.”  While our little one will never meet his or her “Aunt Jenna,” I’ll be sure to tell our child everything I can about her. 

I know our lives will continue and my grief will change over time.  At this moment I’m content with my tears because I’m grateful for the opportunity to remember her in such vivid ways.  I know that God is also using this experience to mold and shape me in my character and my heart. 

Here are some of my favorite shots of Jenna.

In July, when we went to the ER and they found the ovarian cysts, Aaron and I had probably the most emotionally draining weekend of our marriage.  Though I had hope, I also knew that there was a very real possibility that the masses were advanced cancer, and that my time with Aaron was limited.  We spent the whole weekend talking about our marriage, our lives, our hopes, and what it might mean if I did have cancer.  I don’t mean to be melodramatic, and we tried to be rational, but with my Aunt’s death at 34 and my family history we knew it was a real possibility.  It was a hard but empowering experience to go through that weekend with Aaron, and to recognize the goodness of our marriage.  Watching and living that situation with Aaron revealed more to me about the strength of his heart and faith than I ever knew before. 

We were prepared for the worst when we met with the oncologist and were only listening for a simple negative or positive result to the blood tests.  Without looking up from his chart the doctor said, “Well it looks like you’re pregnant” and “The tumor marker is negative”,  in the same breath.  Aaron and I just looked at each other in disbelief, but immediately said, “So there’s no cancer?”  After asking about three more times our questions  finally got around to the pregnancy, and I finally started to cry.  The doctor talked to us about surgery options, told us to schedule another appointment, and sent me for another round of blood tests.  The next day the nurse called to say that my HCG levels had doubled, an indication of a strong and healthy pregnancy (about 4 or 5 weeks, baby due in late March).  We were excited and shocked to say the least.

From then until the surgery, I think both Aaron and I were hesitant to become too attached.  Though we knew the surgery was relatively low risk, all of the unknown possibilities and complications were in our minds, and we were anxious just to have the cysts removed.  Our prayers were not only for a successful surgery and that the baby would be healthy, but also that God would free us from fear (Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.)  I was overwhelmed (really) with a sense of peace as I went into the operating room.

Now, after a successful surgery, a confirmed negative test for cancer, healing scars, and a growing belly, our baby is becoming more and more real to us.  Our 20 week ultrasound was an incredible experience, and shortly after Aaron and I began to feel the baby kick, turn, punch and “swim” in my belly.  We are quite sure that this baby will be like me, as it never seems to slow down and is extremely active.  We have a constant reminder now that this life is inside of me, and Aaron and I cannot wait to meet our fiesty little child. 

We praise our maker, the creator of life; the one who knits life in my womb.  We praise you because we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

My trip back east with Keise was a bit impromtu, despite the fact that we had discussed the trip as early as last Spring.  Given my complicated health problems  I decided to wait until I had surgery scheduled to buy tickets.  Once we figured out the possible weekends, I also planned the trip to coincide with Colbert’s march to keep fear alive (which I knew my brother, sister-in-law, mom and allison were also attending).  And since Keise wanted to go to NY, but I had no days off from work, I planned my usual whirwind weekend.

The basic itinerary:

1. Fly out Friday afternoon, land in BWI near midnight

2. Wake up Saturday morning at 8am, make breakfast with Jessie and Sarah Beth; Leave around 11am for D.C. with my mom and some of her friends to take the Metro in for the rally; meet up with the Dorseys and Ben and Jenna; hang out in DC and eat dinner; get home around 8/9pm

3. Wake up at 4am on Sunday morning; drive my mom’s car to Baltimore; bus to NYC; Times Square, Central Park; 5th Avenue; MOMA; Subway to Brooklyn; Walk the Brooklyn Bridge; Greenwich Village; Times Square at Night; Back on the Bus; Arrive in Baltimore around 11pm; Midnight milkshakes at Chick N’ Ruths in downtown Annapolis

4. Get up Monday morning at 7am; in DC by 9am; I work while Keise naps; Lunch walk to the White House and the mall; Keise explores the mall on her own while I finish up work; Metro to College Park to meet Jessica O and Jessica G (and Ethan for a bit); Tour of the University of MD for Keise; Dinner at Franklins; Metro back to DC to meet my mom; Driving tour of the tidal basin with a stop at the Jefferson Memorial; Home around 10:30pm

5. Get up Tuesday morning at 8am; Keise explores DC while I work; Lunch with Allison at Cosi; Keise does HW; Metro to Union Station; Buy train ticket to BWI and meet my mom to say goodbye; Train to BWI (while on hour long conference call for work – I put my phone on mute and kept it on while I went through security!); Fly home; Get in bed around 1am

No rest for the weary.  I know I bring this upon myself.  My mom has warned me that these abilities are nearing their end, which only makes me feel like I have more to do and see.

Despite being so busy, I also had some good reflection and conversation time, mostly with my mom and with Keise.  It was one of the best trips with my mom in a while, and I think we’re finally starting to figure out who the other person is as an adult (as opposed to just a parent or child).  Growing up is a funny thing.  It was also neat to see my mom interact with Keise and think about what she might have been like when I was a teenager (my memory is warped).  She’s a natural teacher and really wanted to reward Keise’s inquisitive mind. 

Keise and I had lots of time (usually while traveling) to talk about life, taxes, college, work, friendships, travel, and much more.  She asks such great questions and always wants to know more, which of course I always respond well to.  Jessica O warned her that I like to pretend I know things, so she should be aware that I might make things up from time to time…haha   I’m thankful for good friends who try to keep me honest.

Like every time I go back, I felt rushed and sad that I didn’t get more time with people, and that I didn’t get to see others that I would have loved to connect with.  At the same time I’m glad that I made time with my mom a priority, and I hope I can strike a good balance with our next trip.  I’m also hopeful that I’ll be able to travel more easily to the East Coast now that I’ve figured out how easy it is to work out of the foundation’s D.C. office!

Click here to see more pictures of our east coast adventures!