That’s right – maternity leave is over. Even though I had such a long leave (I’m aware of how privileged I am), the four and a half months did seem to fly by. I’ve been back for two weeks now, and everyone I talk to asks me, “How is it going?” The truthful, but maybe not correct-to-say answer is: it’s good. I love my job most days. I have great co-workers, and I get so energized when I work in an office environment and have to solve problems. And when I come home at the end of the day, I love seeing my girl and spending time with her. Do I miss her? Of course. Do I wish that I was home instead of at work? Sometimes, sure. But the truth is that I feel “wired” to do the kind of work I do.
Talking to friends, family and others about being a working mom is such a …challenge. The topic is loaded, to say the least. I find myself feeling incredibly defensive in conversations, and then wonder: “Does Aaron ever feel he has to explain why he wants goes to work? Do people consider him selfish for liking his job?” And then I get angry.
But probably the most challenging issue is that I can’t discuss my choice without feeling like I am putting a stake in the ground. The challenge is this: How can I explain my reasons for being a working mom without suggesting (in some way or another) that the choice to stay home with children is the less-prefered choice? The truth is that the past four months have given me an incredible amount of respect for parents (men and women) who stay home with their kids. It is HARD. And not in the ways I thought it would be. While I enjoyed the freedom and ability to go wherever I wanted, I found myself completely depleted of energy, slightly depressed, and hungry for adult interaction. I loved our walks together, morning rituals and coffee dates with friends. I loved watching her grow, taking care of her needs and just holding her in my arms. It was a sweet time that I am incredibly thankful for.
I am tempted at this point in my post to write all of the reasons why I am choosing to work and be a mom. I want to tell you how this choice is personal, but that it is based on what I believe is best for Harper, for Aaron and for me. I won’t lie and say, “Oh, I’d really love to stay home but we just can’t afford it.” The truth is that I really want to work and believe it is a good choice for my family. And I want to go into long justifications for each of these reasons. The problem is, all of that would be fueled out of an insecurity that I am making the wrong choice. The same insecurity I would have if I were choosing to stay at home. This is the same insecurity I believe almost every mother has about how they raise their child(ren).
I remember a couple of years ago Mel was reading a book called, “Mommy Wars.” I never read it, but the premise was that women explained their choice to either work or stay home (is that right Mel?). I remember talking about the subject with Mel in some length, and concluding that women just needed to learn to give each other grace and not be so hard on each other. Now that I’m a mom, I get it. There’s so much pressure to be a perfect parent in this culture. And the best way to feel good about your choice is to put down others who have made a different choice. If you work, you are selfish and will have out-of-control kids. If you stay at home, you are boring and will have overly dependent children. But I refuse. I want to respect moms and dads with the understanding and belief that we are all doing the best we can. We all love our kids. We all worry that we make bad choices. But in the end, we all fail, and we all succeed. I am letting go of the myth that I am singularly responsible for Harper’s success or happiness.
My goal through this next season in life, is to be easy on myself as a mom, and to love other parents well. I want to hold my tongue when I have the urge to make a defensive comment about the way someone else parents. I want to have more grace than judgement. And I want to own the belief that there is no one right way to parent a child. Please hold me to this, ok? And try not to judge me 
mmm…thanks for sharing. i admire your thoughtfulness and way with words. and i will try to hold you (and myself) to the part about having grace with everyone, ourselves included.
For some reason, the people (mainly women) who are critical of other women seem to forget that everyone is wired differently. You’re wired to do the work you do – and you’re good at it – and that doesn’t make you a bad mom just because you’re also good at doing something outside of the home. Several working moms have told me that they feel they’re better moms because they work – and I totally get that, even without being a mom. I admit that I used to judge parents for dropping their kids off at daycare when they were 6 months old, but after I started working and realized how much I enjoyed it, I changed my perspective on working parents. I thought they did that because they lived a lifestyle that required two incomes. Now I’m the one who has been judged (OK, only by one person and you know who I’m talking about!!) because I said I want to still work once I have a kid. In any case, I’ll try to hold you to being less judgmental, as long as you promise to do the same for me.
We certainly are all wired differently. I was anxious and depressed when I was working more and I told Tim I couldn’t do it! I would say that what is utterly most important is being who Christ redeamed you to be and knowing you are doing what God has purposed you to do. In this is true peace!
Sorry I spelled redeemed wrong
I agree with you that everyone is wired differently. I heard someone say that she is a better mom because she works. It allows her to have the adult interaction she needs, and helps her to be grateful for the time she has with her kids. It’s an individual choice–not one that should be forced one way or the other. I’m glad that you are able to find peace in your decision. Good for you!